Soooo let me just write a little bit, late on a Tuesday night, about Sunday night, and what it meant to me. I don't think many people know that one of my longest-cherished, most-hidden dreams has been to be a lead singer and songwriter in an indie-rock band. This is the sort of dream that I only might tell my therapist, and then only in a whisper. I don't exactly exude indie, if you know what I mean, and the whole lead-singer-in-a-band fantasy is very very cliche. But it's an old dream, and a deep dream, and sometimes it makes me cry... because "a dream deferred makes the heart sick", as per the writer of Proverbs, and I've never had the nerve to do much with this dream.
So we've been doing this music jam session at Convergence, and up until now it's only happened twice and it's sort of been fun but it kind of hasn't gelled. and then Sunday night, after I'd been in prayer for an hour before the service (leading the church "prayer circle" of one :^D, which I actually didn't mind one bit) and the service itself was about noise and silence and we watched a Nooma video and it was very powerful, it gelled. We had four really gifted musicians and me, singing and making up words as I went and just not worrying overmuch about the fact that some of the words were awful. It was a jam session, after all. And it flowed... one would start a chord series, and the others would fill in and I'd stare at the floor until I got a line or a theme and then I'd just start singing about it. They sounded fantastic... four musicians from really different backgrounds playing very different instruments (C. played her acoustic, and then played a bucket, and silverware, and anything she could turn into percussion because we didn't have a percussionist... she was in her element... creating as she went)... but they're all so good at it that it came together beautifully.
I was drained at the end... because I don't do this, and because it was absolutely huge that it worked... and because I wanted to get on my knees and weep and make them promise that we would do this again and that they wouldn't bail on me, and it took tremendous effort not to do that. J.B. was already noncommittal and aloof, as per her way.
Then J. wrote today and said he and P. had talked and that he wanted to know if I'd be willing to write lyrics as the lead vocal.
I feel like I should type that about 10 more times... that's how important that is to me. It pretty much doesn't matter to me if this ever actually happens or not... the fact is, it MIGHT. They didn't laugh at me and tell me to take my silly ass home. Maybe they will once I actually write something, but I can't believe it... right now I am just stunned and happy and I can't wait to do another jam... it's like a lover with a new love... you can't wait to see them but you're terrified because what if you mess up this one unbelievable chance.
So, I'll be in that church praying a lot more before the service... it's awful that I didn't realize this before, but I think that jam session was the answer to my prayers before the service.
Pastor John at Grace Community had preached on the Mojo of Thanksgiving (yes I know) on Sunday morning... basically about how giving thanks opens the door for God's blessing, and how not giving thanks blocks it. He had some good scripture references and as usual it was a really entertaining, humble, direct sermon. I love his sermons. It's incredible that I forgot so quickly, that I didn't thank God for hearing my prayers. I'm thanking Him now, and praying for guidance and help.