Sunday, March 30, 2008

Sacred

I feel I am surrounded by blessings too great to mention, almost. I gave a testimony at Convergence tonight that I opened up by leading the congregation in "Amazing Grace" from my seat (which is how I wish I could do all music leading). I was nervous as hell about the whole thing, because I was going to be really honest and kind of cheesy and if it bombed I was going to be mildly traumatized... but it went really well. Todd said it set the tone of the service and thanked me enthusiastically for it. I felt it working in the room as I gave it, although I was so nervous that I had to put my hands in my jeans pockets because they were shaking so bad... actually, they had gone numb by that point... went totally numb at the point that I got up from my seat on the last verse to walk towards the front, singing.

I also just got back from another phenomenal jam session after church, and Pete mentioned that his church would like him to get some musicians together again for next Sunday... and of course I am so there. I'm lucky I don't actually start drooling when he mentions these opportunities... or when we all meet to jam. I'm so eager, and so stunned that they're willing to work on my songs... or mine and Cindi's songs, to be more exact, because she's been so willing to work with me on them. They would never have gotten out of my head if it weren't for her, and she's added so much. We have three songs, and they are all my lyrics, and largely my musical idea, except for one which is clearly Cindi's. P and J and C all act very casual and cool about it during the jam, but I feel like taking my shoes off, being silent, bowing... my creative act is being honored... I'm in the presence of God.

Jozsef and I met before all of this to walk around the Tidal Basin and look at the cherry blossoms. People travel here from all over the country to look at these flowers, and since it was opening weekend, there were 9 zillion people there. It was also cold as hell, and J. and I were both shot for different reasons. He did his pre-defense a couple of days ago. It went well, but he's now faced with the end of his Ph.D. and trying to figure out the next step. It's daunting. I'm fried from all the drama at work and fretting about losing Kris and having to find another living situation soon. Despite our being exhausted and freezing, it was still a beautiful day. I was reflecting on other times I'd been to see the cherry blossoms, how I felt a sense of longing to be more equal to the beauty of the flowers... how I wished I was closer to the person I was with, or more comfortable. J. is like my Hungarian brother and neither of us expect anything else, so I wasn't plagued by those thoughts this year. We just hung out. I didn't say a lot and it was ok. I was pretty agitated that I had to leave him early to go to church, but even that wasn't a big deal... he's a grownup, a laid back guy, and a friend, and he won't hold it against me. I'm lucky to have him as my friend.

My work right now is not much of a place of grace. It sucks ass, to be honest. I hope it doesn't stay that way. But my music, my church, the jam sessions, my weekends and evenings... these are places of great grace. I think of how lost I felt last year, how I walked around constantly tense and feeling fake, like I was reaching the end of my masters and my ability to pretend anymore at the same time, how I could no longer remember anything I liked or wanted to do. How miserable I was with G, without knowing it. I won't say I don't have thoughts of wanting to be with someone again, idealizing aspects of past relationships, but I wouldn't give up any of my blessings right now for that... hell no. It's so totally worth the trade off... in fact, there's no comparison. None.

So I stand in sacred space, aware of God's movement in my life, wanting to hold my breath and watch it all unfold, sometimes afraid of doing anything, afraid I'll screw it all up if I hold on to it too hard... so I take off my shoes, and kneel before the burning bush, feeling myself on fire but never consumed.

1 comment:

Julie said...

wow amy....your post gave me chills, and i'm pretty sure if i wasn't so distracted by the chills that i also would have cried during it as well. you're a great writer. i'm glad todd linked some folks on his blog so i could find yours.
reading your post makes me sad to be missing out on the jam sessions, but alas i'm off to CA on saturday, so it will be quite a while before i can chime in again with you all. (thats me pretending to be bummed about going to CA...haha). i'm also bummed i missed out on hearing you sing.

you are beautiful.