Sunday, March 2, 2008

Short...

(Image is from http://www.allposters.com/-sp/Music-I-Posters_i985607_.htm)
I have been out of sorts this whole weekend... very tired after the week. This morning I decided that I would spend the morning in writing lyrics for this evening, and then the jam session didn't materialize due to scheduling stuff. No biggie... I'm committed to this and I'll be there next week and the week after and the week after that with whatever I've got.

But I started to get emotional at the thought that it might never materialize... that everyone might be so busy... it's not just about music to me but about community and a kind of bonding that you don't get in the everyday. This is the place where I'll have to protect myself from being wounded... from putting all my eggs in this one basket and having my heart broken again. C. and I hung out and worked on the two songs we did the other night and I asked her if she was moving. She said she didn't know. And then I said what I've been thinking but haven't articulated... which is that I think this --writing music with this group of folks-- is the reason I'm still single, why it's never worked with anyone. I am supposed to be doing this, even though it's extremely scary. and if she moves, if the others lose interest... well I didn't say this part but it will break my heart. and then I started to cry.

I know I haven't taken the big risks. I have been hurt by too many friends whom I hung my heart on and who then took off for bigger places. But it's the whole package, the writing, the singing, the being around artists and feeling myself thaw... I am terrified it will go away. Other folks must have had this happen and survived, but in truth, for me this is a far bigger risk than any relationship I've had since Phil 10 years ago. It is that level of risk, that level of love, of connection. The musical/artistic part of me is very deeply hidden for a reason. I am terrified of being hurt.

So that's where I'm at. Andres, the next post will be lighter, don't worry. ;^)

2 comments:

Jane said...

My aunt had a friend named Lala Iverson; I wonder if she is the same one that you know? She lived somewhere around Rockville, MD.

Moff said...

Howdy Jane,
Yes, that's the same Lala. You don't happen to know anything about her now, do you? I haven't seen her for maybe 6 years or so.