Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Turbulence

I can't say that I've ever done the "right" thing without paying some sort of significant price.

I decided to return to my year of not-dating, and in the process hurt the person I'd started to date. This is an oversimplification, but I'm not going into further detail for his sake and mine. Suffice to say that I know what I did was right in that it had integrity and I have my peace back, but I also feel like I've been standing against a strong winter wind for several hours... my eyes are watery, I'm numb, I can't really see straight and I have no energy. All I want is a return to warmth and safety and some sense of comfort. I suppose that will come. He for his part, is a resilient dude who has endured far worse than this and he will be fine. Like me, he knows that every bad experience is at least a good story, and he will undoubtedly take some comfort in that.

The writing workshop tonight was really hard. I was so tired... there has been so much going on, I am weary from all the unprocessed emotions I'm carrying around from this relationship, and work has taken a lot out of me. I know this is all a season and it will pass but right now I'm dead in the middle of it and exhausted. We were writing about purpose and intention, and I felt empty. What is my purpose? Do I live with intention? I think I give the impression that I do, because I speak and write forcefully and with passion. But it was damn hard to try to sum up my purpose. I guess it would be hard for anyone, but I suppose I expected to be good at answering that kind of question and I didn't feel like I was.

My explanation was that my purpose was to be at peace: with God, myself, and with others as far as I can manage that. Which sounds kind of lame. But I do think it sort of all boils down to that... I navigate by my emotional state to some degree because I have learned from hard experience that when I don't I mess things up royally. When my peace goes, I ask God to restore it, and when He doesn't, I fix what's messing up the peace. That's how I roll.

It sounds so selfish, though, doesn't it? I live for the maintenance of my own spiritual and emotional peace? But if I trace back my decision making, this is what guides me. I am looking for a life that I can live with. That leads to other things --wanting to help people, not being overly worried about money, a love of nature-- but the internal mechanism is that I am drawn to these things because they feel right... because I intuit, because I know beyond knowing, that this is the right direction... this is the correct decision. It doesn't sound like much of a purpose, does it? But at the bottom line, it is a desire to please God, because I know that most of the time my peace is gone because I'm being disobedient. I trust that when my spirit is at rest, it's because I'm going in the right direction.

So that's why I did the right thing and moved out of this relationship... because I know I'm not supposed to be with anybody right now. I set aside a year for myself because I really thought it was necessary and, for the first time in my life, possible. The selfish thing was dating him in the first place. I knew better... but that doesn't change that I hurt him, and that I also hurt me in the process.

Ok, so here I am... tired and wounded... wounded in the same place in my heart that has endured so many wounds. It is remarkable, I guess, that I can still feel in this place... so that in itself is reason to be grateful. Buuuttt I also feel dumb. This is such familiar territory... do I REALLY have to go over it again and again and again? Why can't I just wait for the right person, the right situation? Why can't I just hum along happily in my peace and leave the drama alone?

So, that'll be the goal for the home stretch... the last 4 months of 2008. As the year descends through fall into winter and the days shorten, I'll keep my peace, and my singleness, and my writing will undoubtedly improve.

Thanks for bearing with me through this wallowing.

2 comments:

Baus said...

I always found your wallowing to be interesting. But pro-peace is better, I guess.

proud_mom said...

You may not be selfish but your certainly confused and uncertain...a man deserves a woman, are u up to the task? it takes will and 'balls'...