It's 10:15pm and my alarm is going to go off at 5:30am so that I can make an 8am flight to Dallas and on to Albuquerque. And I'm really scared. I'm going to this conference at the Center for Action and Contemplation which is supposed to facilitate dialogue between Catholics and Emergent Church folks. I originally signed up for this thinking it would be interesting, but now I just can't get myself to settle down. I've been like a cat in a lightning storm all day.
It's not just "interesting" to me. It's me facing stuff that happened 10-12 years ago and really questioning it... trying to sort through the decisions I made at that time and how they changed me, for good and for bad. And there was bad in how that time period changed me. I know that. I hold a core of bitterness inside of me for how I was disappointed by the Catholic Church and by my Catholic ex-fiance and ex-friends. I've prayed about it, begged for that core to melt away, but it's held... for a decade. I have anger at the betrayals of that time that never fades... my own personal, raging Eternal Flame. and I guess I'm desperately hoping this somehow facilitates closure... flips some switch inside that starts the chain reaction that leads to finally, finally forgiving Phil, and all of those pushy, preachy people, so convinced that they alone held The Truth... and, of course, myself.
Because I'm really quite tired of being SUCH an angry person on the inside.
Don't forget to hope
2 days ago