Thursday, March 19, 2009

Making peace with the past?

It's 10:15pm and my alarm is going to go off at 5:30am so that I can make an 8am flight to Dallas and on to Albuquerque. And I'm really scared. I'm going to this conference at the Center for Action and Contemplation which is supposed to facilitate dialogue between Catholics and Emergent Church folks. I originally signed up for this thinking it would be interesting, but now I just can't get myself to settle down. I've been like a cat in a lightning storm all day.

It's not just "interesting" to me. It's me facing stuff that happened 10-12 years ago and really questioning it... trying to sort through the decisions I made at that time and how they changed me, for good and for bad. And there was bad in how that time period changed me. I know that. I hold a core of bitterness inside of me for how I was disappointed by the Catholic Church and by my Catholic ex-fiance and ex-friends. I've prayed about it, begged for that core to melt away, but it's held... for a decade. I have anger at the betrayals of that time that never fades... my own personal, raging Eternal Flame. and I guess I'm desperately hoping this somehow facilitates closure... flips some switch inside that starts the chain reaction that leads to finally, finally forgiving Phil, and all of those pushy, preachy people, so convinced that they alone held The Truth... and, of course, myself.

Because I'm really quite tired of being SUCH an angry person on the inside.

5 comments:

Roshi Doshi said...

I've got no basis/business for offering this but "metta" prayer (ala buddhism but in a christian context) is an interesting approach to dealing with anger...

Kimberly said...

So, I'm a little behind on my reading, but glad I caught this one! I'll be praying with you this weekend. I really wish I could have made the conference, and I know some great things are going to come out of it. I hope that one of those things is some healing for you in dealing with these lingering feelings. Blessings!

Marcy said...

I appreciate the candidness of your post and I feel for your situation. I hope the first day of the conference went well for you. No more jitters? If you get the time I'd like to say hi in person. You can look for me there at a table near the back middle/left (as you're facing the stage).

Moff said...

Thanks so much for your comments, guys... it's been a good weekend, really. Marcy, I haven't had internet access since Thursday night, so I JUST saw your comment. I'm guessing you've left already, but if you're participating in the post-conference stuff, I will be there tomorrow morning... would love to meet you in person!

david said...

amy, great to meet you in Alb. looking forward to perhaps hearing from you in a follow up response to the whole EC conference now after the fact. peace.