Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Grief in motion

It's little things.

Like waking up tired, and going to work tired, and going to lunch tired, and coming home and doing nothing because you're too tired.

Or the tears that pop up in your eyes at times when you're not expecting it. Like when you see or hear or smell something that reminds you. When you run across something of theirs that you didn't expect to have to put away and never take out again... and then you put it away, in the garbage maybe, or in that box you have that you'll eventually tape up and stick somewhere.

When you thought of them in the past, it was like a pleasant, low hum that gave you a little lift in your step. Now when you think of them you feel a jab in your gut, the rush of emotions, the sense of outrage, anger, sadness... of absence ...of loss.

It's all the pictures I deleted the other day. And the ones that I didn't.

I don't care what anyone says... you don't just move on. Love marks you. It marks everything in your life... like a graffiti tag or a cattle brand or maybe just a sticker that says "love was here". It's everywhere. Over here, and over here, and just over there. It's everywhere, but the love isn't. Not anymore. And there's nothing to be done.

I am strong, and I know how to continue. I am continuing. I am in motion. I am writing and working and doing things with friends and with my church. Tonight, walking to the grocery store, I looked up and saw Orion doing his Saturday Night Fever pose in an eternal attempt to subdue Taurus. And even in those stars, which I had noticed countless times before I met Vince, I remembered the one night I actually saw stars in New York City.

My anger says he abandoned me... that he is a coward and doesn't deserve this grieving. But it's there anyway. And just here, and over there.

I just have to wait for time to pass, so it stops hurting as much.


Kimberly said...

Sometimes I think its easier to not be in love, because my heart can not be broken. But I think I'm always just a bit in love, and will always be just a bit broken.

You are loved, dear one. Thank you for always sharing your heart.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for your pain. I share it as you know. Coward, undeserving, yes. But does it help? No. Not at all. Abandonment is the thing I seem to struggle with the most, and feeling like I didn't stack up.

We are soul sisters. I wish you could come sit on my couch and let me hold you, and share a drink with you, and cry with you until we find ourselves laughing.

I love you. We will get through. We will survive. We are not really alone, because the One who will never abandon us or feel we've fallen short is already holding us on our couches.

Rachel said...

Oh friend, I love you. I know it might not help right this very moment. But when the moment comes and you do feel--open'ish--I am there. Lurking in your dark spaces. Whispering, you are not alone. You are beautiful. You will love, again and again and again.
I love the bit about the stars... so there. Xo